Kylie accuses Gaga

Kylie Minogue has accused Lady Gaga of copying her. 

“I think there's an element of me in her,” said Kylie. 

Possibly wishful thinking and hopefully not a statement of intent. If it came to a catfight, a crazy bitch like Gaga would pluck out Kylie’s pubic hair. Someone should invite the divas to a wigwam where they can share a peace pipe and inhale each other’s smoke. Those squaws need to become blood sisters before they start stealing each other’s boyfriends, which would lead to heinous atrocities. 

Kylie’s outburst reminds me of a lowland silverback who claimed to be Mick Jagger’s role model. This is what he said about the rubber-lipped crooner: 

“When I was performing back in ’63, I noticed that young Englishman in the audience, gaping at me night-after-night like a trout. Everything he later did on stage – the voice, the face, the strut – he took it all from me. And my bass player was a baboon who looked like Bill Wyman. The first time I saw ‘The Stones’ I thought they were a tribute act.” 

But his females said he was lying, so we can’t take his word for it. Jagger has obviously been copying someone, but for all we know it could be his Latin master. 

A tourist once asked me if I thought Tom Jones had been influenced by a gorilla. “No,” I replied. “He was clearly influenced by the gospel, rock, folk, jazz and blues singers of his youth. But perhaps you meant to ask whether Tom Jones is genetically close to a gorilla.” 

“Well is he?” asked the tourist. 

“Let me put it this way,” I replied. “There are certain ancient genes in the human line which, for reasons not yet properly understood, are more fully expressed in particular individuals. Such persons are invariably hairy-chested men who exude a pungent sexuality that induces middle-aged women to throw their knickers at them.” 

“Are you saying he smells like a gorilla?” asked the tourist. 

“I don’t know what he smells like,” I said, “but it seems to bring out the female gorilla in women.” 

In truth, the behaviour of all primates is driven by the urge to imitate. I often observed human kiddies pretending to be gorillas after I’d given a performance in the circus. I suspect many of the adults would have done so too if they hadn’t feared ridicule. The ape-impersonators in the remake of Planet of the Apes had a grand old time. Even Helena Bonham Carter, renowned for playing posh English roses, found the experience enlightening: 

I had to go back and learn how to be still. I had to learn an economy of movement, but to be immensely focused. To stop intellectualizing and instead make everything physical and be present and alive in the moment, which is completely ape-like. Apes are more sensual and tactile than we are. 

Humans sometimes ask me whether I found Helena attractive as an ape. I have to remind them that she played a chimpanzee, not a gorilla. If I were a male chimpanzee, I should imagine I’d want to pin her to the ground and put my tongue in her mouth.

You have read this article Helena Bonham Carter / Kylie Minogue / Lady Gaga / Mick Jagger with the title Helena Bonham Carter. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2010/07/kylie-accuses-gaga.html. Thanks!

The return of Queen Cate

Wonderful to see Cate Blanchett back in the role of feisty Queen Elizabeth. As well as being a talented actress, she’s a fine example of what is known as an “unconventional” beauty. Essentially, that means you have to stare at her for a while before realising she is ravishing. Such women are invariably more impressive humans than instant lookers of the Catherine Zeta-Douglas variety. I have no doubt that Cate does the most fascinating things in her spare time. She is surely an accomplished tap-dancer and I imagine that she’d give me a decent game of table tennis. I bet she loves poetry too. Can anyone imagine Ms Zeta-Douglas playing ping-pong or reciting poetry? Perhaps one can, but only in an affected, posey sort of way to show off in front of the cameras.

I have always been fascinated by historical movies which show how the humans of a bygone era used to behave. Those Elizabethans certainly enjoyed dressing up! There is much to be said for a society in which men can wear tights in public without being insulted or harassed. The nobility seemed to have a lot more fun in those days: courtiers and ladies-in-waiting playing kiss-chase in the palace gardens; minstrels singing love songs while strumming on their lutes; dandies of all sexual persuasions dancing gaily in their codpieces and ruffs. Wasn’t it inspiring when Good Queen Bess told the Privy Council to stuff their French suitors because she was already wedded to England? Back then, a lady could proudly admit to being a virgin without being mocked behind her back.

Personally, I have nothing against females who play impossible to get. Sexual initiation is not a big rite-of-passage for gorillas, and those who put it off because they’d rather be picking coconuts are not treated with scorn. Dr Whipsnade recently told me about a conversation he had with his friend Lady Chuffington, who has three teenage daughters. Her Ladyship is more or less resigned to the eventuality that her girls will surrender their virtue long before their wedding night. So rather than wasting her breath on extolling the blessings of chastity, she is encouraging them to be selective about the fellow given the honour of deflowering them.

She has advised her daughters that he who is permitted to penetrate their maidenly citadel must first:

(1) regularly kiss them on the hand (a sign of gentlemanly devotion);

(2) allow them to slumber in his arms without trying to cop a feel (asleep or not, a girl always knows when she’s been touched);

(3) join them in watching a movie starring Helena Bonham Carter without attempting to fast-forward to the scene where she exposes her boobies.

It is essential, of course, that the girls do not disclose these hurdles to the first young buck who courts their affection. (I don’t know whether any of you are socially acquainted with the Chuffingtons, but I trust that you will not misuse this information.)

It would be wrong to eulogise females simply because they are virgins though. The Virgin Queen feared that hanging, drawing and quartering the Catholic traitor Babington would be too merciful a punishment. Many innocent children have been painfully cuffed by nuns, who are technically (or sometimes actually) virgins. I myself have had to endure cheeky backchat from any number of virgin gorillas. Heaven knows what their problem is. If you ask me, they need a good seeing to.

You have read this article Cate Blanchett / Helena Bonham Carter / Ping-pong with the title Helena Bonham Carter. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2007/10/the-return-of-queen-cate.html. Thanks!