Russian refuge

Very clever of Mr Putin to grant Russian citizenship to Gerard Depardieu. If nothing else, it will help alleviate the chronic shortage of fat men in the country. The governor of Mordovia, a region famous for its prison camps, has invited the potato-shaped actor to settle there. As the only nightlife in that part of Russia involves climbing up watch towers and pissing on stray cats, it’s not an offer that’s likely to be accepted.

Let’s hope Depardieu does something to revive the moribund Russian film industry. I once saw a Russian movie in an art-house cinema: it was incredibly grim and depressing – nothing but revolting masses and angry men with beards. I can’t understand why the Russians, who were the first humans in space, don’t make more science fiction pictures. How about a Russian version of Star Wars in which Depardieu plays Jabba the Hut? Or a spin-off from Star Trek in which Chekov is the captain of the Enterprise and Depardieu is the Grossovian ambassador from Fattus-5? The great thing about a galaxy class star ship is its replicating machines made it impossible to run out of food.

The real reason for Depardieu’s departure to Mother Russia is his wish to avoid new taxes imposed by the French government. The president of France has described him as “shabby and unpatriotic” for refusing to dig deep into his pockets. My sympathies are with Depardieu here. If governments are short of money, they ought to earn it themselves instead of grabbing the assets of hard-pressed entertainers. I remember getting a visit from a tax inspector when I was a highly paid circus performer.

“Leave me alone, you accursed leech!” I barked. “I give my spare cash to worthy causes, not to upstarts who harass me with impudent demands! We will resolve this matter in a court of law!”

This led to the famous test case of Regina v Bananas. The high court ruled that philanthropic primates should be exempt from human taxes on the grounds that their natural generosity would impel them to devote a fair proportion of their wealth to the public good. It was a Magna Carta moment for the gorilla nation.

I’m glad to say that not all Europeans are as bereft of money-making ideas as the French government. A Czech woman has come up with the ingenious venture of selling advertising space on her breasts. This is her sales pitch:

I am a beautiful young girl and I offer my breasts for greeting cards and adverts. Send me your message and I’ll send you a pic with it written on my breasts.

Her charges are very reasonable and the demand for her services is soaring.

“It’s good value for money,” said one satisfied customer. “But I’d pay double if I could write the advert myself.”

Maybe Depardieu could make up with the French government by offering them free advertising space on his arse. There’s enough room there for the Marseillais and the Declaration of the Rights of Man.

You have read this article France / Gerard Depardieu / high taxes / messages on breasts / Russia with the title France. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2013/01/russian-refuge.html. Thanks!

Vive La Barbe!

When I heard that French feminists were wearing false beards to promote their cause, I clapped my feet and hooted for joy. What a brilliant way of mocking arrogant men who flaunt their masculinity by growing whiskers and speaking in deep voices, as if they were Father Goose or The Jolly Green Giant. If any men dare to belittle them now, they can just scratch their fake beards and say “Ho hum, suck my bum”.

A lot of humans make the mistake of assuming we gorillas respect bearded men because of our own hirsute condition. How wrong they are! The great apes have an even coating of body hair which protects their skin and keeps them cosy. The beard, by contrast, is merely an ornamental tuft. It serves no purpose other than to give men a goatish appearance and hide the zits on their chin. You could argue that it also acts as a bib, but this isn’t a function their wearers are keen emphasize. I'll never forget the Norwegian tourist who went for a jungle hike with a cornflake stuck in his beard. How everyone laughed!

When I mentioned this story to the manager of the safari camp, he shrugged his shoulders scornfully:

“Better fake beards than fake penises,” he said. “No man wants to be chased by a feminist mob wearing strap-ons. Those angry bitches wouldn’t even use lube.”

I grunted sceptically at his misogynist conception.

“As if they haven’t got better things to do than violate your tight little bottom pussy,” I observed. “You must have a very guilty conscience to believe that raping you is high on their list of priorities.”

“I never said it was,” he retorted. “It’s just something they might do for fun in-between all their cursing and plotting.”

“You are an ignoramus and a reactionary!” I declared, before strolling off to the jungle for a grooming from my females.

Contrary to manager’s malicious sniping, these French feminists are proper ladies and much nicer than their Anglo-Saxon counterparts. Their spokesperson is a woman called Colette Coffin, who’s a foxy-looking chick with or without the false whiskers. Their plan of action is to confront male-dominated institutions by gate-crashing their functions and arguing their cause. They do this while donning their beards, although Colette wears a threadbare one for ease of communication:

"I've got a much bushier one, but this has a wider hole so I can talk without getting too much fluff in my mouth," she explained.

Being a chivalrous and tender-hearted gorilla, I sent Collette a message of support, and was delighted to receive the following reply:

Monsieur Bananas

Thank you so much for your sympathetic words. You say the female is your partner and friend, whether she is ape or human. This grand sentiment is a lesson for humanity from the noble mouth of the gorilla! We are proud to accept you as our comrade!

Yes, I shave my underarm. Why do you ask?

Cordial regards

Colette

What do you think? Was she just being polite, or does she really want me to affiliate?

You have read this article beards / Father Goose / feminists / France with the title France. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2012/07/vive-la-barbe.html. Thanks!

French twittering

Although I don’t make a habit of interfering in human politics, I do feel obliged to offer words of support to Monsieur Eric Besson, the 51-year-old French industry minister who accidentally publicised a twitter message intended only for the eyes of his shapely young wife. The tweet went thus: 

“When I come home I am going to bed. Too exhausted. With you?” 

His treacherous followers forwarded this message widely before he could delete it. Consequently, he is being mocked throughout France for propositioning the ravishing Madame Besson with words that Basil Fawlty might have used to persuade Sybil to put on her crotchless knickers. The French expect better of their prominent men, having been raised in the belief that seduction is an exquisite art form perfected, over the centuries, by the nation’s bushy-eyebrowed poets.

This jeering at Monsieur Besson is a grave injustice, for even a one-eyed rooster could see he was paying his wife the greatest of compliments. There he was, making his way home, so dog-tired that he planned to hit the hay without even watching an episode of CSI Miami (with subtitles). Yet he still expressed a desire for physical intimacy with his mouth-wateringly sultry spouse. And let us acknowledge that Twitter is a wholly inadequate medium for romantic solicitation. Even the noble Lord Byron might have tweeted “Fancy a shag?" while riding home on his horse, his buttocks sore after a long day in the saddle. Sometimes a man has to get to the point instead of pussy-footing around with fancy language. 

Now the French claim to be a nation of great lovers, but is this really true? There are baboons who claim their rumps are smoother than a billiard ball. I suspect the Gallic reputation for amorous indulgence is a myth created by overblown characters such as Maurice Chevalier and Pepé Le Pew. Even they did nothing particularly special, unless you believe that kissing a woman’s arm from wrist to shoulder while talking like Inspector Clouseau is guaranteed to turn her innards to putty. 

The kind of love the French really excel at is self-love. Their cuisine, their fashion and even their affected language are presented to the world as the apogee of human culture and achievement. In the jungle, this kind of boasting would immediately be seen the defensive posturing of a beta male. You don’t make big noises in front of your rivals unless you’re scared they might rub your face into their armpits. 

I shouldn’t end this French-themed post without offering my warm congratulations to Carla Bruni, who has given birth to a healthy baby girl at the age of 43. May little Giulia have the looks of her mother and the stature of her father. I was disappointed that some newspapers described the new-born infant as “President Sarkozy’s daughter”, as if there was any need to emphasise the point. Ms Bruni may be whimsical and impulsive, but she wouldn't allow any oily-arsed non-entity to plant his sprouts in her allotment. 

You have read this article Carla Bruni / France / Sarkozy / seduction / twitter with the title France. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2011/10/french-twittering.html. Thanks!

French divorce settlement

I have a certain amount of sympathy for the Frenchman who had to pay his ex-wife 10,000 euros for not having sex with her during their marriage. A French court ruled that a wife is entitled to a regular rogering from her husband, and must be financially compensated if the said rogering is not delivered with reasonable frequency. Speaking as a gorilla who has been ruthlessly pressed into service by females in season, I would never dispute a woman’s right to have her natural yearnings satisfied. Rather like a postage stamp, the female of the species must be moistened and mounted to fulfil her destiny. 

What I don’t think is fair is putting all the blame on the man for the absence of conjugal deeds. To my way of thinking, a resourceful wife should always be capable of goading her husband into giving her a good seeing to. Did this particular lady just lie on the bed like a sack of potatoes, waiting to be ravished like a sacrificial virgin? If so, she must accept her share of the blame for the lack of bedroom action. Sometimes a woman must take the bull by the horns rather than waiting for the beast to gore her. 

I am reminded of the scene in Midnight Cowboy where young Joe Buck is inexplicably unable to oblige a funky femme fatale who has hired him for that purpose. She then challenges him to a game of Scrabble and puts a suggestive word on the board, provoking him to pounce on her like a tomcat. 

The other puzzling aspect of this case is that the wife supposedly endured 21 years of a sexless marriage before deciding to call it a day. That’s a hell of a long time to realise that something is amiss in your relationship. It makes me wonder whether she was really celibate for all those years. Most wives in her situation would invite their tennis instructor home to practice his serve-and-volley, soon to be followed by the postman, the plumber and the hard-hatted workman with a tool belt. 

Having said all that, the past is past, and there’s point crying over skimmed milk. The woman is 47 years old with money in her purse and plenty of lost time to make up for. Some would say that she should settle down with an honest fellow who will shag her twice a week and go down on her on their wedding anniversary. I would advise her to get sowed with a few wild oats before committing herself to another matrimonial project. 

I don’t know whether you can look up gigolos in the Yellow Pages, but one assumes they have ways of advertising their services. If she doesn’t trust the dandies of her native land to deliver value for money, she could always visit Africa and hire the young bucks who hang out on our beaches. Most of them don’t speak French, but that shouldn’t matter – they are used to giving satisfaction on a pidgin vocabulary. 

You have read this article celibacy / Divorce / France / gigolo / Midnight Cowboy with the title France. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2011/09/french-divorce-settlement.html. Thanks!