War and Peace

A young fellow at the safari guesthouse asks me whether gorillas are fond of jungle warfare. I smile benignly at the boy before answering. 

“We make every effort to resolve our disputes peacefully, son,” I explain. “Raiding, pillaging and the scorching of enemy private parts are activities we leave to chimpanzees and humans.” 

The boy looks disappointed, so I give him a stick of liquorice and send him on his way with an avuncular pat on the head. In time, he will realise that life is not a video game where you can survive being blasted to smithereens by a bazooka and return to the fray with your pectoral muscles glistening like Rambo. 

Humans, of course, are quite capable of behaving like gorillas when they want to. Consider the recent case of a small town in Ohio, where a long-running and bitter feud between the local church and the local strip club has ended in a great big love-in. After weeks of name-calling and face-pulling, the churchgoers realised the strippers were just fellow human beings who happened to make a living by wiggling their jahoobies in front of salivating men. Much credit must go to their pastor, who softened their hearts with a moving sermon: 

“Were not Adam and Eve naked in the Garden of Eden before Satan laughed at their private parts and made them ashamed?” he declared. “Who are we to cast the first stone at our fallen sisters, some of whom have breasts like two young roes which feed among the lilies?” 

Brimming with compassion, members of the congregation then approached the strippers with opened arms to hug them and give them succour. Two of the strippers were immediately touched by the Spirit of the Lord, while affirming they wouldn’t be quitting their jobs anytime soon. 

"Our hearts are with Jesus, but our bodies are at the Foxhole," said one of them. 

Meanwhile, the owner of the strip club and the pastor are discussing how to settle the dispute amicably. If I were mediating, I would propose the following four-point plan: 

(1) Find the strippers rich husbands so they don’t have to work anymore. America is full of dirty old billionaires like J Howard Marshall who are looking for trophy wives whose breasts can be stroked with their nose hairs. 

(2) To avoid depriving the owner of the strip club of his income, the ladies of the congregation should work for him on a no-fee basis. This would allow the strip club to make the necessary reduction its entry charge while still making a profit for its proprietor. 

(3) The strip club’s customers would themselves be required to disrobe before watching the volunteer strippers. This would avoid the degrading spectacle of fully-clothed men leering at naked Christian ladies. 

(4) A chaperone would be hired to prevent the whole thing degenerating into an orgy. Most gorillas would be well-qualified for the job, but I wouldn’t do it myself. Too much human nudity gives me the willies. 

You have read this article chaperone / church / feud / jahoobies / strip club with the title chaperone. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2010/08/war-and-peace.html. Thanks!

Women need testosterone

A Dutch professor has persuaded young women to take testosterone tablets in the cause of scientific inquiry. Apparently it made them less trusting of men’s faces, which he argued was a beneficial effect. I suppose it might compensate them for growing hair on their bosoms, which is a small price to pay to avoid being deceived by a wily rogue.

Is it possible for a man to have a trustworthy face? Two often cited examples are Henry Fonda in Twelve Angry Men and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner. Men like that wouldn’t peek in the bedroom mirror if Catherine Deneuve were in the bathroom with the door wide open, soaping her glistening thighs with a fragrant shower gel. Yet were their faces inherently reliable or did it just seem that way because of their righteous behaviour? What if Henry Fonda had voted to hang the kid (who was probably a repugnant oik in spite of his innocence)? Those baby blue eyes of his might have seemed a lot more icy.

When I was in the circus, there was a snaggletoothed handyman with bushy eyebrows that met in the middle of his forehead. Nobody trusted him and he was shunned by women. I decided to make him my henchman.

“Ethelred,” I said (for that was his name). “I am giving you the spare key to the trunk in my trailer, which contains valuables such as gold coins, precious jewels, silk pantaloons and nose-hair clippers. Should I misplace my key, I will ask you for the duplicate.”

Ethelred tugged his forelock and bowed. When people expressed surprised at my patronage of him, I gave them the following explanation:

“Like Jesus, we gorillas are magnanimous to misfits and pariahs. I am confident that Ethelred will be as loyal as a hound dog. And besides, he reminds me of an uncle of mine.”

My trust in Ethelred was not misplaced and helped to ease his exclusion from the society of his fellow humans. He ended up marrying a pretty girl who worked in the meat-processing industry. Some people claimed she had a Bride-of-Frankenstein complex, but that was probably sour grapes.

Different rules apply to women and gorillas, of course. Human females have good reason to be wary of strange men, whatever their appearance. I was disturbed of hear of a conman in Cornwall who swindled large sums of money from women he met on a dating site. His resemblance to Buster Bloodvessel did not impair his powers of persuasion.

“When I met him I thought he looked like Shrek,” said Sarah Terry, a 42-year-old divorcee. “But we had so much to talk about, and he was so interested in me that, to my surprise, I found him very attractive.”

One has to pity Ms Terry, although she is partly to blame for not getting a chaperone to screen her suitors. It is a task I have performed for several women in whom I have an avuncular concern. Asking for bank statements and DNA samples usually scares off the scoundrels immediately. As for the honest men, promising them a sound thrashing if they misbehave is good for their souls. The innocent have nothing to fear, as we say in the jungle.

You have read this article Bride-of-Frankenstein complex / chaperone / hairy bosoms / testosterone with the title chaperone. You can bookmark this page URL http://celebrityapprenticey.blogspot.com/2010/06/women-need-testosterone.html. Thanks!