Triple Jump

Russell Brand, the chirpy English comedian, has asked the Kardashian sisters to join him in a “threesome”. As there are three sisters, he must have meant a foursome. No matter. Errors in arithmetic are easy to make when the brain is befuddled with thoughts of debauchery. I once saw a baboon lose count of his kola nuts after a female flashed her red rump at him.

Brand was not put off by the fact that one of the Kardashians is with child and another is lactating. He admitted fantasizing about “limitless, foaming rivers of milk and orgasm”. Khloe Kardashian was quick to respond to this seductive cocktail of creamy juices:

“I heard that pregnant pussy is the best pussy,” she remarked.

I don’t know whether that’s true, but it looks like Russell is pushing at an open door.

As a gorilla, I am very wary of the idea of mating with more than one female at a time. Such disorderly tussles can lead to bickering and accidents if the roles are not clearly defined. It ruins the mood if two females clash heads when attempting the same manoeuvre. I would advise Brand and the K-sisters to hire a choreographer before attempting to enact their pageant of depravity. It’s better to invest in solid production values than put on a show that flops.

Is it my imagination, or have an unusually large number of actresses got knocked up recently? The latest was Halle Berry, who said that having a child at the age of 46 was the biggest surprise of her life:

“I thought I was past the point where this could be a reality for me,” she explained.

She obviously isn’t aware that menopausal ovaries hold a few eggs in reserve which can pop out at short notice when man-seed gets squirted upstream. Mother Nature is a sly old bird who can trick humans into reproducing just when they think it’s safe to go bareback. Mind you, I could probably have told her she was still fertile by giving her crotch a good sniff after her Kegel exercises. We jungle creatures have a good nose for reproductive hormones.

Now I don’t care what hanky panky humans get up to as long as they follow the golden rule: keep it in your own species. I was sorry to hear of another horrible case of bestiality in China, where a man was rushed to hospital after having butt sex with an eel. The eel was definitely not consenting, even though it took the active role. After getting trapped inside the man’s gut, it had to be extracted by surgeons. A member of the medical team described its tragic fate:

“It was still alive when we got it out but it died soon afterwards, which was probably a mercy.”

I wonder if this sort of thing is now happening in China because of the years of sexual repression they suffered in the days when everyone wore a Mao suit. The sooner they get it out of their system the better. 

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